The ancients believed that character is fate. That what we are taught when we are young, the lessons we absorb into our DNA, in effect, determines what kind of people we are going to be.
You believe that too. Or you wouldn’t be so worried about your kids. The reason you send them to the right schools, why you spend so much time with them, why you analyze and monitor their behavior so closely today is because you know it influences who they will be tomorrow.
It’s not a surprise then that one of the most common questions we get is: How should I teach my child about Stoicism? How can we get our children interested in an ancient school of philosophy? How can we get them to see the value in applying the wisdom of Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, Epictetus, Cleanthes, Chrysippus, and Cato? How can we develop good character so that all will be well? You’ve experienced the benefit of this philosophy. You’ve learned how to reframe obstacles as opportunities. You’ve learned how to ignore what other people do—their lying, cheating and stealing—and focus only on what you do. You’ve learned from Marcus how to let go of the dips and valleys of life “with indifference” and accept success “without arrogance.” In short, you’ve learned how to live a good life. And you want to give your children the same experience, only even earlier than you found it.
Thankfully the ancients have some helpful advice for parents. Here are X ways to help teach your children about Stoicism:
What use does a five year old have for the concept of philosophy. They don’t need to know the name, the dates or even the names of any of the practitioners. Not only are these things confusing, they are inessential.
If I was trying to explain Stoicism to a five year old, I would simply try to convey the most essential piece of wisdom contained inside this robust, complex topic.*
I’d tell them: “Look, you don’t control what happens to you in life, you only control how you respond.”
What do you mean?, they’ll likely ask.
Here’s what we mean: remember when your friend was mean to you last week? That wasn’t nice of them, but there also wasn’t anything you could do about it. If someone wants to be mean, they’re going to be mean. But after they were mean, you had a choice. Remember? You got to decide whether you were going to be mean back, whether you were going to hit them, whether you were going to run to the teacher and tell on them, or whether you were going to just keep playing and forget about it. I know that seems really simple, but it isn’t. That situation—when someone does something bad to you and you have to decide how to respond —well, that’s life. Adults struggle with it. Even your parents don’t always get it right. Even thousands of years ago the Emperor of Rome, a guy named Marcus Aurelius, he struggled with that too.
But the better we can get at it, the happier we’ll be and the more fun we’ll have and the less sad we’ll be. You have that power! You can be as powerful at that king was and as powerful as soldiers and heroes and big strong adults are. Why? Because you get to choose how you respond to everything. If you can learn that now and embrace it, you’ll have the best life ever and no one will ever be able to boss you around. Because you’ll be the boss. The boss of your thoughts, feelings and decisions.
Ok, we’ve taught them the most fundamental lesson of Stoicism: we have no control over what happens to us—we only control how we respond. This, Epictetus says, is our “most efficacious gift,” what distinguishes humans from other animals, the essence of human nature. He calls it the “faculty of choice”—an ability to act rationally, not impulsively, after careful deliberation and assessment.
But how do we know what to choose? How do we evaluate our choices? We shouldn’t just choose to do whatever feels natural. Or whatever is easiest. Or whatever everyone else is doing. Thankfully, Stoicism helps us here as well
“Don’t be bounced around, but submit every impulse to the claims of justice, and protect your clear conviction in every appearance.”
Every day we’re tested by impulses of all kinds and faced with these choices. “Think before you act” is a good place to start. But think about what? Marcus would say to start with the four Stoic virtues: Moderation. Wisdom. Courage. Justice. These are what Marcus referred to as his “epithets”—the words he lived by, the words that guided every choice he made. “If you maintain your claim to these epithets,” Marcus said. “Without caring if others apply them to you or not—you’ll become a new person, living a new life… Set sail, then, with this handful of epithets to guide you.”
As we weigh a choice in response to some event or some opportunity, those are the standards we want to look at. We want to submit our potential actions to the claims of justice. Is this right? Is this fair? What if everyone else acted as I’m about to act? How would that work out for the world? We want to ask if we’re behaving in moderation, if we are being wise, if we are doing the courageous or the cowardly thing.
So teach your kids the four stoic virtues. Return to them frequently. Encourage them to remember the “epithets” they can always fall back on: Moderation. Wisdom. Courage. Justice.